Ello again dear inturnetz diary.

Alot has happened - well, not really alot but something has happened.
On 17th i tried to kill myself.Nico got kinda REALLLY pissed off with me and said he wouldn't really care to see me anymore and that i should look for a new place to live.

I'd never seen him like that and it made my heart really ache - and i thought it would be SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO over for us.

So, i didn't really have any will to live anymore.

I went to the mall - bought a kitchen knife and painkillers and looked for a random place to end my days.

I ate whole bar of painkillers (10) in few minutes to ease the pain - both mental and physical.
There i was cutting myself - listening to my only friend iPod

Nico wanted to come and find me - he said he felt really bad about what he said and he missed me. I told him what i was gnna do to myself and after that i stopped answering his calls and part of the sms. When he asked for directions to where i was - deep down i wanted him to come and save me so i gave him little hints of my dying bed. He managed to find me and he was kinda shocked. I was so high because of painkiller's - i could barely stand and he almost called an ambulance,but then he was able to get contact with me and he didn't.

He took me to eat at McDonald's to make me feel a bit better. How sweet of him really--
After that we went home and he took care of me.

So we're back together now,again :p

I hope we don't have to fight/break up ever again.

Today we - well, I broke up with nico.

I just can't take it anymore -let's just say it's ALOT easier being single
and when you're single - you dont have to be disappointed or expect anything from anyone.

And after we "got back together" he was all like "oh i won't ever hurt you anymore" and stuff like that but i guess those were just empty words - like the last time we broke up and got back together.

I shall engrave my arm with text "Never again" to remind me how much he has hurt me.

I hated how he always thought when i was acting a bit ignorant that i didn't wanna be with him or something but actually - I DID ! AND REAL BADLY TOO!!! i hate how my pride always steps in when it shouldn't but i guess this is how it's mean't to be...

Have fun drinking with your friends today cutie : ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ok, so from last time you remember me an nico had a fight..well we got back together - i'm still not certain if im able to love him like i used to but i can try.

Yesterday i saw a dream - a dream where me and nico were laying on the bed and i suddenly said "hey,what if we should have some threesome sex? xD" ofc i was kidding,but nico looked like he was seriously thinking about it. Next day when i came home (still in the dream), a girl - filipino i guess,very figurey and curvy and kinda pretty.Nico said - "i got us a third wheel : )" filipino girl was just laying there on the bed and smiling at me.I was so shocked my heart almost stopped and i think i cried irl when i was sleeping.I got so mad at him and i just pulled the girl's pants down and said "ok fine lick her fucking pussy if you want to or do anything to her - but i hope you know that i was fucking kidding about that threesome thingy" and then nico was like "oh,i didn't know - ohwell,im not gonna make her leave either so we might as well do stuff with her" and then i kinda turned invisible to both of them - notliterall ofc...Nico started licking girl's pussy and watched me straight in the eyes.

Ever since i woke up,i've felt really weird inside.I don't know if it's sadness,sorrow,anger,jealousy or all or none of them.

I just feel like i wanna hurt myself, i like hurting myself by torturing myself mentally - i keep asking nico questions like "who's all pussies you've licked" and rly detailed sex stuff of him and his ex's sex lives so i can visualize stuff to make my heart ache. I'm really sick and i know it - but it's like some people like to get whipped and slapped for non-sexual pleasure - same goes for me except i prefer mental pain.

Maybe i'm just so un-convinced of the fact that someone can actually love me without any desire to cheat on me or anything - so deep down inside i don't wanna believe it and im trying to find imaginary excuses to not believe that fact.

Maybe i should go to therapy?

Ok. So yesterday i thought it was not so bad for him to spend a little time with his best buddy. But when he called me after the work - i found out he was going to DRINK tonight. Omg wtf!!!!
WHY'S HE HAVE TO BE SUCH A FUCKING DRUNKASS! HE THINKS DRINKING WITH HIS BEST BUDDY ONCE IN 2-3 WEEKS IS LITTLE!!!! I THINK IT'S ALOT CONSIDERING THAT IF HE WANTS TO DRINK HE CAN ALSO DRINK WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!

and i so eagerly thought happily "ohwell,it's not so bad if he's at his buddy's place for 2-3 hours ^^"
But now he's gonna be there at least 4 hours for sure ;_______;

Oh god i feel so lonely, can't he understand that?!?!?!

I've been crying whole night and i plan to cut myself when everyone else are sleeping.
It's the only way that makes my inner pain go away.

Oh, and btw - we broke up.


For good.

Oh how swell my life is at the moment.I got a job - i have the most wonderful and sexiest boyfriend ever,i'm getting my new graphic card tomorrow - what else could i possibly hope for?

So,in short - Life's perfect






Or so you may think.

You see, after i got a job - just a few days and my fiance get's 1 too - he has to work at night shift.So i get from work at 3pm - his work starts at that time - and he gets off at 9pm and i go to sleep at 11pm max! So,we only get about 2h/day together + some weekends.

I just hate it ! i hate his new job so much ! he get's to transfer to a day swift in a month or so! and that's not even sure if he get's to transfer there.

And you know what's the worst?
That i have an helltastic urge to pee.

NO!
The worst part is, that my beloved doesen't even seem to mind that we get to spend time together so little. When he get's home he's like - hi hun ^^

When he should be saying how much he missed me and how happy he is to finally be home with me. I know i know, i shouldn't hope for people to act like I want - but it just tears me apart knowing that he doesen't seem to even miss me as much as i miss him.

O,and our 1st weekend together - he planned to go on friday at his friend's place - so i think i won't be seeing him at all on that day :----))))))))))))) i was hoping we could spend at least the 1st weekend - and the next weekend he could propably go to his friend.

I hate how i try to own him all to myself but what can you do,I LOVE HIM LIKE HELL AND I WANT TO BE WITH HIM - ALOT !

I should just stop being selfish

Today i sent him gloomy messages and stopped replying after 3 msgs

I try to act like i don't miss him and i don't care whether he's home early or late
I want him to know how it feels to be so alone.

I just hate when he thinks he can be with me whenever he wants to and i'd be like "ohhhh honey that's okay if you're going to spend a week at your friend's place,i'll be here waiting! <333"

And we haven't even had sex in ages....

All my friends were right, it's alot easier to be single....

And as some famous pretty girl said "If you have no expections, you won't have disappointments"

Ello again dear inturnetz diary.

Alot has happened - well, not really alot but something has happened.
On 17th i tried to kill myself.Nico got kinda REALLLY pissed off with me and said he wouldn't really care to see me anymore and that i should look for a new place to live.

I'd never seen him like that and it made my heart really ache - and i thought it would be SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO over for us.

So, i didn't really have any will to live anymore.

I went to the mall - bought a kitchen knife and painkillers and looked for a random place to end my days.

I ate whole bar of painkillers (10) in few minutes to ease the pain - both mental and physical.
There i was cutting myself - listening to my only friend iPod

Nico wanted to come and find me - he said he felt really bad about what he said and he missed me. I told him what i was gnna do to myself and after that i stopped answering his calls and part of the sms. When he asked for directions to where i was - deep down i wanted him to come and save me so i gave him little hints of my dying bed. He managed to find me and he was kinda shocked. I was so high because of painkiller's - i could barely stand and he almost called an ambulance,but then he was able to get contact with me and he didn't.

He took me to eat at McDonald's to make me feel a bit better. How sweet of him really--
After that we went home and he took care of me.

So we're back together now,again :p

I hope we don't have to fight/break up ever again.

Today we - well, I broke up with nico.

I just can't take it anymore -let's just say it's ALOT easier being single
and when you're single - you dont have to be disappointed or expect anything from anyone.

And after we "got back together" he was all like "oh i won't ever hurt you anymore" and stuff like that but i guess those were just empty words - like the last time we broke up and got back together.

I shall engrave my arm with text "Never again" to remind me how much he has hurt me.

I hated how he always thought when i was acting a bit ignorant that i didn't wanna be with him or something but actually - I DID ! AND REAL BADLY TOO!!! i hate how my pride always steps in when it shouldn't but i guess this is how it's mean't to be...

Have fun drinking with your friends today cutie : ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ok, so from last time you remember me an nico had a fight..well we got back together - i'm still not certain if im able to love him like i used to but i can try.

Yesterday i saw a dream - a dream where me and nico were laying on the bed and i suddenly said "hey,what if we should have some threesome sex? xD" ofc i was kidding,but nico looked like he was seriously thinking about it. Next day when i came home (still in the dream), a girl - filipino i guess,very figurey and curvy and kinda pretty.Nico said - "i got us a third wheel : )" filipino girl was just laying there on the bed and smiling at me.I was so shocked my heart almost stopped and i think i cried irl when i was sleeping.I got so mad at him and i just pulled the girl's pants down and said "ok fine lick her fucking pussy if you want to or do anything to her - but i hope you know that i was fucking kidding about that threesome thingy" and then nico was like "oh,i didn't know - ohwell,im not gonna make her leave either so we might as well do stuff with her" and then i kinda turned invisible to both of them - notliterall ofc...Nico started licking girl's pussy and watched me straight in the eyes.

Ever since i woke up,i've felt really weird inside.I don't know if it's sadness,sorrow,anger,jealousy or all or none of them.

I just feel like i wanna hurt myself, i like hurting myself by torturing myself mentally - i keep asking nico questions like "who's all pussies you've licked" and rly detailed sex stuff of him and his ex's sex lives so i can visualize stuff to make my heart ache. I'm really sick and i know it - but it's like some people like to get whipped and slapped for non-sexual pleasure - same goes for me except i prefer mental pain.

Maybe i'm just so un-convinced of the fact that someone can actually love me without any desire to cheat on me or anything - so deep down inside i don't wanna believe it and im trying to find imaginary excuses to not believe that fact.

Maybe i should go to therapy?

Ok. So yesterday i thought it was not so bad for him to spend a little time with his best buddy. But when he called me after the work - i found out he was going to DRINK tonight. Omg wtf!!!!
WHY'S HE HAVE TO BE SUCH A FUCKING DRUNKASS! HE THINKS DRINKING WITH HIS BEST BUDDY ONCE IN 2-3 WEEKS IS LITTLE!!!! I THINK IT'S ALOT CONSIDERING THAT IF HE WANTS TO DRINK HE CAN ALSO DRINK WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!

and i so eagerly thought happily "ohwell,it's not so bad if he's at his buddy's place for 2-3 hours ^^"
But now he's gonna be there at least 4 hours for sure ;_______;

Oh god i feel so lonely, can't he understand that?!?!?!

I've been crying whole night and i plan to cut myself when everyone else are sleeping.
It's the only way that makes my inner pain go away.

Oh, and btw - we broke up.


For good.

Oh how swell my life is at the moment.I got a job - i have the most wonderful and sexiest boyfriend ever,i'm getting my new graphic card tomorrow - what else could i possibly hope for?

So,in short - Life's perfect






Or so you may think.

You see, after i got a job - just a few days and my fiance get's 1 too - he has to work at night shift.So i get from work at 3pm - his work starts at that time - and he gets off at 9pm and i go to sleep at 11pm max! So,we only get about 2h/day together + some weekends.

I just hate it ! i hate his new job so much ! he get's to transfer to a day swift in a month or so! and that's not even sure if he get's to transfer there.

And you know what's the worst?
That i have an helltastic urge to pee.

NO!
The worst part is, that my beloved doesen't even seem to mind that we get to spend time together so little. When he get's home he's like - hi hun ^^

When he should be saying how much he missed me and how happy he is to finally be home with me. I know i know, i shouldn't hope for people to act like I want - but it just tears me apart knowing that he doesen't seem to even miss me as much as i miss him.

O,and our 1st weekend together - he planned to go on friday at his friend's place - so i think i won't be seeing him at all on that day :----))))))))))))) i was hoping we could spend at least the 1st weekend - and the next weekend he could propably go to his friend.

I hate how i try to own him all to myself but what can you do,I LOVE HIM LIKE HELL AND I WANT TO BE WITH HIM - ALOT !

I should just stop being selfish

Today i sent him gloomy messages and stopped replying after 3 msgs

I try to act like i don't miss him and i don't care whether he's home early or late
I want him to know how it feels to be so alone.

I just hate when he thinks he can be with me whenever he wants to and i'd be like "ohhhh honey that's okay if you're going to spend a week at your friend's place,i'll be here waiting! <333"

And we haven't even had sex in ages....

All my friends were right, it's alot easier to be single....

And as some famous pretty girl said "If you have no expections, you won't have disappointments"